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Friday, December 4th, 2009
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11:23 pm
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sigh indeed.
So tomorrow is my birthday party, not that it means anything. One day closer to 24 I guess. Sweet, 24 here you are, thanks for showing up. Birthday's officially havent mattered for a decade. I remember my 14th birthday. I was lonely and depressed and it was the first real birthday where I no longer felt little. My first visit to Clonlara was a day before my 14th and I could feel everything changing. And it did. Mostly later in the year, but 14 certainly was the year of no return. Goodness.
Anyways I am trying to unpack the rest of my stuff but it is basically useless. There is no place to put any of it and no amount of creative tetris playing will make it all fit. It has been making me very sad, because as I unpack I realize what a short time ago it was that I wrapped it all up. 2 months, thats it. But it feels like forever. 2 months was when I didnt have a place to go and mike said it would all be ok, and he helped me load everything up and I was at least assured that things would be sorted out eventuallyI guess they were, but not in the way I planned. It blows my mind that after close to a year everything could deteriorate so quickly in 3 measley weeks. When we got back from Canada, I really did assume that the next step would be moving in with him. Ideally not at his hell hole of a fucking home, with the 2 so cal crazies, but I thought we would arrange something temporarily and then could whisk off together. At that point, that is genuinley what I wanted. I would have declared wifey after our trip.
I know it is for the better that, that is not how things played out. The subsequent days/weeks/ months have been so wretched between us that there really was no other alternative. Still, I wish I had a better understanding of how things could so quickly deteriorate. I know he stopped trusting me after the fouth of July, but then again things had been hard before that. Thats why we fought to begin with. The drinking was always going to be an issue, the insecurity, the difference in priorities and education and desire...everything really, but still, sleeping in his grandpa's cabin, eating dinner with his sisters, I really did feel at home.
I really am greatful for where I am now. It's not a forever situation and some day soon I am going to have to be a better grownup, but for now I guess this shit keeps me young.
ha ha ha....
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| Monday, November 30th, 2009
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10:59 pm - why not?
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In this day using Live Journal is like using two sticks to start a fire, but I cant seem to abandon the old technology. I will be sad when one day it fades into oblivion. Someone will have to start archiving contributors like a certain someone did with GeoCities...ah well you cant fight progress I suppose.
So a week or so after my previous entry things went the way they always do and I went a tumbling back to Mike. It was beutiful and wonderful and full of rainbows and puppy clouds or something....Actually it wasn't, but I really did love him. We tried for so long and ignored all the hurt and pain and resentment. We made it until just a few weeks ago but it couldnt be bandaged any longer. We just burst at the seams. And I am still sad.
Feels lately as if my brain has stopped working just when I need it to kick in. I have graduated school and made the grasp for self suffientcy, I have a home I love and for the first time in so long I am really on my own out here. yet I still feel so friggen unprepared. I'm just aching for some sort of stability right now, I attempted to do it with the boy but that wasnt really the answer (even though I loved his home town and his family, and his home movies where he ran around in superman shorts, I liked having a date to office parties and someone to come home to. This really was the first time I ever fantasized about domestication.)...but again, he wasnt the solution. No matter how close his puzzle piece looked, it wasnt the right one.
So I need consistancy somewhere else. I know that only I can provide it but I cant help still feeling helpless
sigh these are all thoughts for another time....
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| Tuesday, July 7th, 2009
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12:52 pm - @uch @uch @uch....
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supposedly its the end of another chapter. Mike and I did the whole graceful hand holding, bench talking, taco eating break up thing. Its better then how we left it 3 nights previous which was bed crying, mushroom tripping, room storming, revenge fucking thing. I wish I could tell the difference between being lonely and being in love, but at the moment I am regretting the whole thing.
I also made the mistake of twisting back into the Ryder world. He suprisingly came through for me the other night. I was sad and disembodied and he biked me across a draw bridge, kissed me hard and took me home with him. It was terrible and wonderful and strange and familiar all at once. If I knew everyday could be like sunday then I would be sad right now. But somehow Ive slipped away. For so long we felt inevitable, like one day the time would be right and we would fall ravenously back in synch. But I've lost that. Now it just feels sad and secret and desperate on both our parts. From now on, someone else will always be atleast the superficial priority
So I will let that dog lie. Infact I will put that dog in a sack and drown it in the river. or take it around back and shoot it with Pa's shot gun.
It's funny, I finally feel like I can stop being sad about Ryder because now I can be sad about Mike. Its a pretty big indicator as to how fucked up I am. It's not as if I stopped being in love with Ryder, because I fell in love with Mike. I suppose I just prefer being unhappy. Which I guess isnt a bad thing. atleast I know these things about myself.
I think I am just naturally predispositoned to lonliness, but in turn that conflicts with my stubborn demands of independence. I dont really know how I can satiate both instincts. Everyone keeps telling me I need to spend some time by myself, but simoultaneously keep offering shoulders to cry on. Most of these offers have come with boys I have previously slept with. Somehow I dont see their offers as quite genuine. I suppose they only mean best. But I find the whole situation so distasteful.
I am tired of the stupid dating process. I am either joining a nunnery or getting married.
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| Tuesday, June 2nd, 2009
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9:08 am - slip n' slide
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Man oh man,
I have been penning an entry in my head for months but then things keep happening and I get all squishy brained distracted-like. There is a weird storm cloud apocolypse sunrise happening above the boars head shipping center and it looks like it will be a quiet day. I've gotten to really love Mike's view..no really. Nothing nicer then waking up to the sound of truckers and diesel machines full of cold cuts...It's making me hungry.
I guess no news is good news? Im in that comfortable lull that love affords. Mikey is a weird duck. 6 months ago I would have laughed at my right-now-self. i really expected him to be nothing more then a few weeks of arm candy and a good anecdote, but here I am still wrapped in his blanket. There are pillow cases with praying hands on his bed. They were a gift from my mom. He's in all my family pictures. Holding Harry's hand, squishing Ben, upstaging me in the park....Who woulda thunk? He's met my uncle Mike and I saw Angela Lansbury with his mother. I slipped quietly into domesticity, not even realizing what was going on.
I do love it, but it still doesnt quite sit well... Something about our relationship feels like dress up. like, both of us needed something warm and stable and we just happened to collide at the right time. He has been by my side consistently since we met. He held my hand at my birthday, just barely knowing me. He calmed me down during my last final. He cooked for my family at graduation and kept me from killing Jessy. But in this weird way, I still feel like he is undeserving. That our relationship isnt serious enough for him to have experianced all these significant moments with me. If the circumstances had been at all different he would just be a foot note, instead hes a whole Journal entry. My family will remember him, but its really only cause he was the one to show up.
Its like I have spent all this time, practicing and primping and working and fighting and learning how to be a sane person, a person strong enough to be half a union, but Mike isnt really the one who taught me these things. It feels odd that he should be the one who reaps the benefits. I guess thats the way things (even love) work in capatalism. Holla Marx's therory of Alienation (thanks Eugene Lang College!). You never really get to enjoy the fruit of your labor. The minute you finish your work, it gets whisked away and processed into something else.
Again, I am being too hard on him and am attributing too much value on old dead feelings.. In reality, no one has taught me any of this crap...And I will certainly not give whats-his-name-fuck-face any of the credit. I'm learning love like I learn everything else, on my own. I just wander from person to person, book to book, collecting the pieces I need, but writing my own story. Everyone has a little bit to offer. Its bad an dangerous to slip into unjustified nostalgia just because I am alone for the first time in weeks and I'm feeling introspective.
In reality. Mike and I are blissfully happy. We complement one another incredibly well. I spent so much time thinking I wanted and needed one thing, that I forgot all the other qualities which are crucial to a human being. Compassion, empathy, genorosity, patience, fuck even beauty. He has all these traits in excess. He challenges me in ways I never expected and offers me things I didnt know I was entitled to.
My anxiety will always be my anxiety, but right now, even though all the uncertainty I am so grateful for him
current mood:  loved
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| Sunday, March 15th, 2009
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12:08 am - my left arm
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so its bizarre. I cant stop crying. Big fat movie star tears. My nose just got so runny that my septum ring fell out...and yet I have nothing to be sad about tonight that I havent been sad about countless nights before.
everything in life is fucking beautiful.
i graduated college exactly 1 month ago.
I've had an extremely pretty boyfriend for the past week.
I have a new dress. and new ideas
and Im so fucking sad that everytime I go to sleep I feel like my hearts breaking a little more.
I've been having nightmares.
Not scary zombie dreams
but dreams where I am the worst possible version of myself. I am angry, and jealous and I take presents back...Im usually naked. People who intimidate me in real life, make special guest star appearences....
for as strong a person as I believe myself to be...I am so traumatized.
I miss the fucking dirt bag sociopath rapist like I would miss my left arm. Its useless and serves no purpose but I feel malformed without it. there is a giant chunk of me missing....mind you its a chunk with a tumor....but its still open and sore and terrible......
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| Saturday, January 24th, 2009
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1:26 pm - MY ADVICE COLUMN!
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www.burningfeelings.tumblr.com!
it will also be published in a small local NYC paper. Send me your thoughts!
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| Tuesday, December 30th, 2008
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3:22 am
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god fucking damnit,
tragedy and best friends and too much sadness and hormones and love and I dont care! pure fucking aggression and rape might be the only way to ;et god sort it out. Good for yoU?>
thats almost a poem.....
I just need to figure out the many facets
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| Sunday, December 21st, 2008
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9:04 am - just a public safety reminder
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maybe you will find this 5 years in the future while you passively stalk me, or after the 20th time in 20 minutes you google yourself and nothing new appears,
but heres a suggestion mostly for you but also to me
yo,
RYDER RIPPS.
stop raping people and then maybe you'll have friends
cheers,
Rose
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| Saturday, December 13th, 2008
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10:58 pm - for the record
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getting told that he "wants to eat breakfast off of a latex cast of my body" is officially the weirdest thing a guy has ever said to me...
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(comment on this)
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| Wednesday, December 10th, 2008
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2:33 am - special
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only i:
*vacuum the bed because I dont want to change my sheets
*wear some shirt I had to borrow from a skeezy one night stand, and a leather mini skirt to do laundry, because ALL of my other stuff needs to be washed
*wake up to find my cell phone submerged in a glass of water...along with a fork...
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| Friday, December 5th, 2008
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12:05 am
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Well Kitty,
its almost that time of year again. The time when loved ones all gather together, hold one another close and give ME PRESENTS!
i hate my birthday.
but its here again. This year I have decided to turn 17.
in another news. I have figured out what my problem really is. Why I cant quite seem to tie the whole "sex should be with someone you loooooove" thing. Its because I love so many people! And if I was to follow that logic, then it would be mad gross. and i would be sticky all the time. I hate being sticky.
I got a letter in the mail today from a certain mountain dweller that made me stop and think. I am incredibly fortunate to have so many people in the world who care about me. I constantly complain about feeling lonely, isolated, blah blah. And its true. I do often feel like that, but I have something many people dont, a big wide loving world. I just need a reminder once in a while.
I also think its a reason I dont feel more pressured to equate sex and love. cause while I do have hormones and desires that need to be occasionally (often) attended to, I already have an abundance of love in my life. It would be nice to have one person who filled both needs, but i am blessed enough that it doesnt have to be a priority.
so thats my birthday present to myself
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| Sunday, November 30th, 2008
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11:17 pm - progression
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Seeing as it's almost my birthday I figured it would be reasonable to pay some attention to this thing. I am so greatful for it as a standing document of my past like um...8???? Years or so. and even though I often ignore it, I feel like it deserves a little love once in a while.
Its funny that I refer to my journal as an it, dont most people give theirs some character. I know people often use "you" but since this is an public page I feel like You implies the reader, not the actual form. From now on journal, I am going to call you Kitty, like ann frank. Me and that bitch got plenty of other shit in common.
so kitty,
some more time has passed. I feel like this past month has been one of my healthiest in ages. Like a 140 pound tumor has finally been pried from between my legs (oh thats right it has). I feel more at peace then I have in ages (although maybe thats the xanax talking) and I am actually excited to see what the next few months will bring me.
I graduate in just a few weeks, that is if I can get over my oppresive laziness. I just cant seem to focus on the important things right now, even as I write I should be finishing an essay. I would like to attribute it to my ADD but I dont think that is fair, its more like compulsive procrastination. I know that I will eventually get on top of things, but its amazingly diffacult to get my head on straight.
In other news, kitty...ha
It really is strange how I feel like I am finally crawling out of a two year mist. I feel totally severed from so many of my recent experiances. LIke me last spring and me now are totally seperate people. Maybe this is a coping mechanism. Caroline has a good word for it the other night, but at the moment my vocabulary is hanging out with my attention span. Anyways I guess thats how most people handle trauma.
I actually identify more now with who I was when I was 17 then I do with the person I was playing last month. All of my bad/ fun habits/ emotions are returning to the surface.
I woke up last weekend next to some random beutiful boy and felt giddy. That same impulsive excited new lust goo that I had forgotten I liked. After being with a person who made me feel so guilty for even acknowledging I had been with anyone else previous to him, it was such a lovely sensation to be part of something casual and relaxed and fun. All that tyranny of emotion just vanished.
Now ofcourse thats not to say I dont have a huge crush boner on this random gentlemen, but it was more just the experiance then the actual person. As always I have already written the movie treatment for the scene.
Having never spoken more then 3 words to eachother before. we find ourselves locked in a bedroom at some strangers party, by the time the host picks the lock, we have our cloths back on. He says outrageous things to me and we stay up most of the night. The next day we wake up in his giant deconstructed warehouse/ loft, no heat but blankets and the stove, leadbelly playing on the radio, we drink coffee with whisky in it and smoke joint after joint. His roommate tells me about Rummi an acient suffi poet and we take turns reading from the book. Then I go to MOMA and see paintings. So art faggy it hurts.
If I ever talk to this boy again this will make it into part of the mythology (except for maybe the part about having sex on a pile of coats at a house warming party for a girl we didnt know)...and if not then atleast its a good anecdote for YOU, Kitty. And stands as living proof that I am finally back to being rose again
i missed her too
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| Monday, October 20th, 2008
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3:13 am - Heres a murder rap to keep you dancin'
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well son,
I have a paper due technically tomorrow. and another due thursday. It is funny how I can identify all the things I need to accomplish and yet still ignore them completely. Instead I think I would like to run away again. Today I am missing the mountains more then I have previously. Not that I am even missing mountain boys. Just the freedom. and the lack of anxiety......really dont think I can do this.
Really dont want to be strong.
Just want to have boring predictable sex and fall asleep
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| Thursday, May 8th, 2008
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10:25 pm
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| Sunday, February 10th, 2008
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10:48 pm - What you know bout that
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So I might as well get it all out now, lest I forget about it entirely. Its already changing, fading, aching, ended. so lets see if I can find some narrative.
Started with the holy mountain. 2 hits each on the E train, just as we were running late. Bite, bite, disolve chew, one probably wont work, bite, suck. I wish it had been tatooed with Disney Charecters.
Smoking pot in the bathroom of IFC, legs splayed, still bleeding, convinced if I pee while lighting up, the smoke detector wont go off. It is incredibly diffacult to light a match, and hold a pipe and keep a steady urine flow.
HOLY MOUNTAIN. If i could talk about the movie as well as I can talk about myself, I'd be a genius. However I'm not. So I wont try. Heart breakingly inspired. Ouch..Ouch..Deep..Deep...But really...it is.
Afterwards the world got weird. I laughed untill tears were welling up from already wet locations. For the first time in a while it was the nice kind. So cliched to say the streets glittered, but they did. Cliched to say the streetlights were blooming, but they were. I got lost every 5th step. We found this bird in this tree. It litterally deafend the whole city block. All you could do was sit and listen to it whistle. It stopped everyone. 3 in the morning and people more sober then us, kept watching. Like spring had sprung upon just that little part of waverly. Some poet died there too, or might have written a poem, or both. It wasnt ferral but it was Pharell.
Eventually we unperched (but later we went back and the bird was still there) We crossed the street and followed some music (and the windows sang "dont you want me baby") Untill he found the buzzer, I didnt want to go because Im shy, but I did. 3 floors up to an empty town house, blue disco ball, bad dj. 40 year old junkies raver dancing, and hipsters swaying in their screenprints, and ugly girls with pom poms. and a man with a head band doing the robot, and some dude who was probably featured on HotChicksWithDouchBags.com and a mysterious curtain in one room and not even the last trace of a full beer. it was as if rocky horror and fashion week, vomited onto some teenager's bad screenplay about what an acid party should look like...it was that good.
It was too hot and we needed beer so we wandered into the hellmouth that is/was/mcdougal st. It wasnt Mardis Gras (even though the man with the beads said it was) and there was a man selling inflatable animals (I sell baloons sir) i wanted a unicorn. Some famous guy might have been wearing a hat and there was a deli-terrorist cell meeting at the bar. The words "me love you long time" actually were uttered from the lips of our ugly asian bartender and I kept waiting for apocalypse now to take over and the vietcong to come in and machete her ass. It didnt happen, instead we drank tequila and went home.
There was other stuff too, highly integrated train ride. He muttered something under his breath, I studied the lines in his face. I blew a line and watched a video abotu tracy gold. We held each other and cried listening to daniel johnston.
True love will find you in the end
You'll find out just who was your friend
Don’t be sad, I know you will,
But don’t give up until
True love finds you in the end.
This is a promise with a catch
Only if you're looking will it find you
‘Cause true love is searching too
But how can it recognize you
Unless you step out into the light?
But don’t give up until
True love finds you in the end.
How very apropo that this morning it snowed and we arent friends one more time
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| Friday, February 8th, 2008
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1:02 am - This isnt a blog, this is a journal. I get to be as gay and cliched as I want. so go fuck yourself
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i guess I figured it out,
there is death and hunger and poverty and misery and pain and lonliness and judgement and chlamydia and my terribly untalented neighbor and a million other things wrong in the world. I am neither smart or capable or productive to make even the tiniest dent in it. So what the hell is the point. Why cant I just drop out? I really dont care enough about myself to think I'm worth all this effort and I'm not skilled enough to effect anyone elses life...so i might as well be a hobo.
Take only pictures leave only footsteps. some gay god footstep metaphore
p.s Im not suicidal....just bored
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| Tuesday, January 29th, 2008
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1:11 am
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did I mention I'm back in NYC?
Did I mention that I left for 3.5 months?
One day there will be a definitive history of my adventure, but I will wait for my biographer or atleast a ghost writer to take care of the details.
This much is true:
I am unbelievably inlove with my entire california family. I get butterflies and monkeys in my tummy just thinking about them way over there on the left.
This time next year i hope to be that coasting it too.
It wasnt the soul searching life changing event that I thought I needed, but it was good enough.
So yeah,
Hi new york, you've heard this record before, I'm sorry the needles stuck.....
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| Tuesday, October 23rd, 2007
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4:06 am
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so san diego county is burning. it's actually really fucking scary. Caroline and corry are sleeping and my sense of SoCal geography is pretty scewed but I am fairly certain it is within 8 miles...I might wake them soon
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| Monday, October 22nd, 2007
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2:42 am
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oh my god.
so I just went back a few years in this thing and started reading. I was curious as to who and what I was/am. Apperently I am fucking insane. Half the references are so cryptic I dont even know what I am yammering about. Also according to record I am a total nympho. One might get the impression that for the past 5 years my life has revolved souley around the other sex and how they percieve me. I wish that this journal had a narrative, that I wasnt so presumptious to think that it might transcend time. I can feel all these important emotions I might have once had slip through my fingers. For all I know I havent changed at all and I am just recycling the same damn feelings time and time again. I'm like the retarded sequel to Memento......
sigh...
also i miss ryder
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1:44 am - she kept him like a diary
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oh woah woah
lalala
basically thats what I got to say.
So I have been in california for 3 weeks. Its lovely. There are beaches
and fires. smelly apocalyptic fires.
I have been lying on lina's floor for the past multiple hours watching Grey's Anatomy.
Meredith grey is a twit....
also I have been drinking wine directly out of the bottle and eating chocolate frosting sandwhiches.
oops.
the axe didnt go in there by accident
oh vacation
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